Several months back I read a blog posted by a female gamer about the rape culture in games and how even she 'a rape survivor' had been sucked into it. This made me think at the time about myself and I didn't like what I saw. I spoke to someone I love dearly who is a rape survivor herself about it and about my own 'at times' participation in the use of rape as some kind of joke. I was disappointed in myself then and decided I would no longer be a part of that culture any more.
This was followed a few weeks later by another blog this time by a guy about standing up to people who 'did' use rape as something humorous, as if it's something to laugh about. This blog was about being the man and not just taking it from 'boys' who clearly hadn't grown up. It was about calling them on it and not letting them get away with it. I read this blog and thought yes, this is what we should do. This is how we should behave.
That was several months ago now and my apologies to both those blog writers that I can't now find their blogs and link them here. I tip my hat to both of you. 3 weeks ago playing badminton with 3 friends I slipped and used the term rape as if it was something humorous. The moment I said the word I was disgusted with myself. I'd let myself be sucked into the culture because of the people I was with and because that was the kind of humor that they go with. I didn't say anything at the time. And I didn't talk about it to anyone after but I have thought about it a lot since.
This evening is the first time since then that I've played badminton with 'the guys'. And again this evening the humor was flowing. It was a good session and by the end of it we were all sweaty and laughing and congratulating each other on our games. Then one of them made a joke about rape and my head buzzed. I said nothing and they carried on joking between themselves. Surely I couldn't just say nothing could I? Again? No. This time I would stand up and say something. So I did. I asked them for their thoughts. Why is rape funny? It certainly isn't to those who have been victims. It sure as hell isn't funny to them. Ever. I told them I didn't like it used as a joke and was not just going to let it slide.
So how did they react? The one who'd made the joke agreed with me that it wasn't funny. That he also knew people who had been raped and it was no laughing matter. I get the impression that it didn't really sink in though. The jokes were flying again 10 seconds later but I'd taken a stand right? I hadn't stood by and taken part in the rape culture, nor had I been a passive spectator who let it slide. Right?
I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for my previous slip and I'm disappointed in all of us who were there educated men all who thought it was acceptable to joke about something so perverse, so obscene as something like the complete physical domination of a fellow human against their will. And I'm disappointed that I didn't stand up more. That I didn't get angry at them, I'm angry at myself but I didn't show it to them. I brought it to them as a thought process rather than calling them out on it. I tried to point out that it wasn't funny without actually trying to make them see. Are they still thinking about it? I doubt it. Will they make those jokes again? Probably. I hope not but I wouldn't put money on it. Will I let it slide again?... Now there's a question. I really hope I don't. I hope next time I can just say "Guys? Shut the fuck up".
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